101 Things I Might Have Done If I Wasn’t A Homeschooling Mum of 3

Anna Dusseau | 7th April 2020

1. Be a Spice Girl. (It’s not too late. Stop being negative.)

2. Drive a Porsche.

3. Wait, drive an Audi S7. Less noise. I still need to hear Kisstory.

4. Write a kick-ass Kisstory playlist with less garage and more grind.

5. Build a rocket.

6. Think for more than 5 minutes before voting in public elections.

7. Holiday somewhere other than Center Parks.

8. Find out before the end of the day if I have banana in my hair.

9. Exercise.

10. Read War and Peace backwards in Mandarin.

11. Maybe begin with reading the book gathering dust on my bedside table, though.

12. Clean the house. I mean, maybe. It’s definitely on the cards.

13. Have a pelvic floor.

14. Have a normal belly button.

15. Stop buying clothes that conceal the lack of pelvic floor and abnormal belly button.

16. Bring the 90s belly piercing back. Because I’m feeling smug.

17. Shag Brad Pitt. (once)

18. Shag Johnny Depp. (twice; it’s a bit hazy)

19. Make time for volunteering.

20. Become a keen gardener.

21. Okay, less ambitious. Have more than just a patch of bare grass out there.

22. Work on a vaccine for COVID-19.

23. Start with knowing facts about COVID-19 other than it exists.

24. Speak to dolphins.

25. Binge watch Star Wars in 24 hours, surviving only on Diet Coke and Minstrels.

26. Shag Tom Hardy. (several times, become obsessed, receive a restraining order)

27. Pin the restraining order on my wall with a love heart round it.

28. Eat out somewhere other than Pizza Express and Nandos.

29. Have actual friends.

30. Volunteer to work as Tom Hardy’s personal assistant. Another restraining order.

31. Go back to regular volunteering but maintain the Bronson shrine.

32. Take an Open University course.

33. Drink cocktails.

34. Stand up straight.

34. See a therapist. Just because.

35. Write a bestseller.

36. Wear something other than leggings.

37. Probably not. But at least change leggings more often than just when they smell.

38. Make phone calls.

39. Take phone calls, rather than spitting with fury if my phone buzzes.

40. Quit the therapist. Own a couple of horses instead.

41. Attend Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

42. Get put in Slytherin. Shag Dumbledore. Get transferred to Griffindor.

43. Stop singing nursery rhymes in the shower.

44. Stop thinking Thomas O’ Malley (the alley cat) is kind of sexy.

45. Reconsider my career path and figure out what I’m actually good at.

46. Meditate. Obviously.

47. Wear jeans.

48. Have time to dye my grey roots.

49. Stop aspiring to be Poppy Troll and aim for something more realistic. And less pink.

50. Read the Booker Prize shortlist and form my own opinion.

51. Go on Lorraine. Lorraine destroys me.

52. Go on This Morning and discover whether or not Phil has clammy hands.

53. Go on Loose Women (currently via Zoom) and feel like this is where I belong.

54. Or at least be the show notes writer for one of these TV programs.

55. Discover time travel.

56. Fuck up a lot of stuff with my time travel machine.

57. Get destroyed again on Lorraine for reckless misuse of the time travel invention.

58. Wash my hair.

59. Ask other people questions. Like: ‘how are you?’

60. Buy shit such as Golden Dumbells and Psychic Vampire Repellant from Goop.

61. Also buy a toothpaste squeezer from Goop. (Omg! Genius..)

62. And – go on, then – one of their Tikkun Spa fanny steamers. Curiosity killed the cat.

63. Definitely work for Goop at this point; I guess they do staff discount.

64. Shag Gordon Ramsay. Instant regret. Still not over Tom Hardy.

65. Go back in time and be in the Spice Girls. Ha! I knew it would be good for something.

66. Drink less wine.

67. Drink more vodka.

68. Drive a monster truck and try to park it at Waitrose.

69. Do something about my appearance rather than thinking ‘who cares?’

70. Stop fantasising about being Duchess from The Aristocats. She has 3 kids ffs!

71. Be less sarcastic. (Probably.)

72. Be more optimistic. (Probably not.)

73. Become best friends with Cardi B.

74. Stop wondering if Uncle Waldo from The Aristocats would be fun on a night out.

75. Get over my thing with The Aristocats and move on to another Disney obsession.

76. Make a hit record with Cardi B. (Why do you guys just assume I can’t rap?)

77. Fall out with Cardi B and have a massive bitch fight.

78. Get rid of the monster truck and drive a Tesla. Better image. The new me.

79. Also stop dicking about with veganism and just commit already.

80. Destroy the time machine because it’s causing more trouble than it’s worth.

81. Understand about Facebook and Instagram. I hear they are popular.

82. Get destroyed on Lorraine again about that fight. Can’t believe she took Cardi’s side.

82. Learn to fly.

83. Know how to have an amazing weekend rather than thinking a family bike ride is fire.

84. Stop considering the Amazon delivery guy a friend.

85. Sleep.

86. Sleep.

87. Sleep.

88. Not need to buy Goop shit any more. Because of the sleep.

89. Become Kim Kardashian’s bum double. (What? That’s definitely a thing.)

90. Release a diss track about Lorraine and Cardi B. Wait for shit to hit the fan.

91. Stop snapping at teenwolf.

92. Stop looking at teenwolf suspiciously like perhaps this is all his fault.

93. Go on a date with teenwolf rather than thinking watching Tiger King is romantic.

94. Receive a threatening call from Offset. I know a lot about Cardi B. Sure.

95. Begin casually researching homeschooling because..why not?

96. Given my extensive Cardi B knowledge, create a university degree in Okurrology.

97. Cardi likes this move and sends a few positive emoticons.

98. Stop making my educational blog about Cardi B.

99. Omg! Volunteer at an elephant rescue centre! (Why wasn’t that number 1?)

100. Go on Loose Women again after publicly making up with Lorraine and Cardi B.

101. Fall madly in love with teenwolf, have 3 amazing kids and start homeschooling.

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Published by NotTheSchoolRun

Writer | Educator | Homeschooling Mum

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