Shit I Wish I Didn’t Have to Explain to My Kids..

Anna Dusseau | 17th April 2020

“Having children is like living in a frat house – nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”

Ray Romano

1. It’s hot. It’s so obviously hot.
2. Donald Trump isn’t the Prime Minister of Hollywood. I mean, is he?
3. Hula Hoops don’t count towards your five a day.
4. You can’t wipe your brother’s butt. Nope.
5. Don’t lick the tap.
6. Don’t lick the bath plug.
7. Don’t lick the exhaust pipe of the car when it snows. I mean, fuck, really?
8. There are better choices than Michael Jackson for an imaginary best friend.
9. David Bowie isn’t a whole lot better, to be honest. Yes, I know he’s awesome. Can’t we stick to normal imaginary friends, like – I don’t know – Tigger?
10. There are boundaries. Taking a crap should be one of them.
11. Put the baby down.
12. Watch the milk with your elbo-oo-ow. Okay, then. Towel?
13. No, we can’t just buy another one. Well, we can, but that’s really not the point.
14. It’s 4am. Go back to sleep.
15. It’s 5am. Go back to sleep.
16. It’s 6am. Fake sleep for another 20 minutes or, failing that, you have my permission to sit on my head watching over and over on daddy’s phone. Too tired to analyse why you like sitting on my head.
17. Are you sure he can breathe? Yes, but is it really a hug, though?
18. I expect you’re kicking the wall because you’re a bit tired.
19. Okay, hold it a moment while I do up your shoo-OOF! Fuuuuuuuuuuck. Babe, can you just check my teeth? Are they all there?
20. Don’t drink the bath water.
21. Why can’t you drink the bath water? Because you’re washing your arse in it.
22. Seriously, put the baby down.
23. Hold up. When you both speak at the same time, I just..my brain..I can’t do it, you know?
24. Shouting at the same time is, if anything, slightly worse.
25. Wow! Watch where you are going on your bike, mate! Sheeesh! That was so close.. I hope daddy wore his brown pants today.
26. Guys, spying on the neighbours through the hole in the fence is one thing, but can we cut the loud running commentary, please?
27. Who is David Carker? Oh, this is the new imaginary friend; I’m all ears. He’s an old man – great – and he died a long time ago, did he? Seriously, get out of here, Sixth Sense! Why? What’s wrong with Tigger?
28. That’s a great question but I am wondering why you have waited all day long to ask it? Because it’s now 9pm and your sudden alertness is making me feel quietly desperate. I mean, you’ve been up since 4am. Seriously, Sixth Sense, what are you on?
29. Is that my bank card I can see in the flower pot outside? It’s a what? A fairy slide? Of course. Well, that’s one mystery solved. Has anyone seen the car keys?
30. Put. The. Flipping. Baby. Down. NOW! (Wow, wait! Not there..)

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