Anna Dusseau | 2nd April 2020
Omfg, these little people! We love them but they can grind your gears, right? I sometimes feel like they were sent to test me. Like, do you remember way back in your first pregnancy when you felt a bit panicky because you couldn’t find those vegan multivitamins with the plant-based omega supplement? That seemed so important at the time. Only watching them now, as they tear across the back of your designer sofa, firing over their shoulders at the baby who is standing semi-naked in the doorway like Terminator crushing an LOL doll in his fist, you can’t help but wonder if you possibly went a bit overboard with those vitamins, after all. But it’s too late now. They may be tiny assholes, but these guys are your tiny assholes, and I know you don’t want to be shouting at them all day long. Let’s count to ten and see what we can do instead.
1. ‘Okay, let’s do this. Amy has 6 apples and Luke has 4 apples. Amy gives 2 of her apples to Luke. How many – Oh my WORD! What happened here, boys? No, I don’t think it’s funny! Read my face.’
2. ‘My darling, can you guess why we have a rule about playing football inside the house? Okay then, let’s put the smashed science project back together, shall we?’
3. ‘That’s a very good question. I have absolutely no idea. Let’s look it up. Not on daddy’s company laptop, though. How on earth do you know the password?’
4. ‘Hang on! I can see you’re feeling rather agitated but I’m writing a really important email right now. What could you get up to for 5 minutes while I finish this? Nope. Not the laptop.’
5. ‘It can’t be lost; I’m 100% sure we can sort this out. Look, where did you see it last? In your drawer at nursery? Riiiiiiiiiiight. Sit down here with me a minute. Deep breath.. Okay, it is lost.’
6. ‘No, but it can’t take your weight, my love. I know daddy seems angry right now but that’s how he feels when he finds plaster all over the floor. Yes, I can see it’s tempting to swing on. But it’s a curtain.’
7. ‘Slow down a second; you’re both talking at once. I can see everyone is upset here. So, what’s up? You go first – okay – and we’ll listen, then you can tell me your side.’
8. ‘Wait! What? Is that..? Did you just wipe a bogey on my sleeve?’
9. ‘Try to look at the page, baby. Reading is always a bit more tricky if you’re staring out the window.’
10. ‘Have a think, now. Is the baby enjoying that cuddle? No, but look at his face. And the way he keeps trying to take a swipe at you with the Duplo block. Does he seem happy to you?’
11. ‘Oh, you cooked, did you? Wait, back up. YOU COOKED?! It’s 10am and we’ve been in the garden less than 5 minutes! WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN COOKING..my little love?’
12. ‘Let’s rewind. Why is the curtain pole on the floor again?’
13. ‘Honestly, where did you get that vile expression from? Me? No, I don’t recall ever saying that.’
14. ‘Guys, has anyone seen the toilet brush? It’s gone from the usual location and I’m anxious as to its whereabouts.’
15. ‘I am going to count to 10 and then – baby, please stop banging that door – right, I am going to count to 10 and – daughter, hold that thought – I. AM. GOING. TO. COUNT. TO. 10..’
16. ‘No, I didn’t actually mean that I like you throwing your cereal bowl. That was sarcasm.’
17. ‘Right. I need backup. Where is your father?’
18. ‘So, what did we say last week about Errol the hamster? He might be a superhero – okay – but I don’t think he feels comfortable being pulled round in your sister’s roller skate like that.’
19. ‘Oh dear, guys. Well, if we can’t agree between Justin Bieber and Demi Lovato, I guess we’re just going to have to listen to Classic FM again.’
20. ‘Omg, that’s so funny! But – sweetheart – you didn’t actually throw it over the fence, did you? Tell me that was part of the dream, too.’
21. ‘Listen to your brother; you can see he’s upset. No, no that’s not a kind way to behave. Listen to him, please. What’s that you said, my love? ….? What? But – wait – why would you do that?’
22. ‘Stop, please. That hurt mummy a lot. How do you think I’m feeling right now? OUCH! Stop it.’
23. ‘But look, the baby loves Classic FM. I don’t know what you two are lying on the floor crying for. No, don’t even think about firing that Nerf gun at me.’
24. ‘So, here we go. Amy has 6 apples and Luke has 4 apples. Amy gives 2 of her apples to Luke. How many apples does – BOYS! Where do you think you’re going with that laptop?’
25. ‘Seriously, middle child, where is your father? Because the oven’s beeping, your sister is still stuck on her Maths question and the baby is conducting a dirty protest in front of the fridge.’
26. ‘No, but the baby is 1 year old. Come on, now. No, no I’m sure he didn’t mean it. Okay.. He what? Hit you with a wooden train tunnel? Baby, get your ass here and explain yourself!’
27. ‘Darling, you are 7 years old and weigh around 22 kilos. If you keep jumping on my back like that, there’s a good chance this could end in hospital for me.’
28. ‘It sort of looks good, doesn’t it? Is that where you wanted the lip stick to go? Right up to your ear?’
29. ‘Yes, thank you for your input. Yes, I can see they don’t care. No, I don’t know why I bother, either. I think counting to 10 just makes me feel better, somehow.’
30. ‘Seriously, who is that kicking the football around in the kitchen again? Well, can you please remind him about what I said earlier? No, I can’t tell him myself because I’m wiping the baby’s bum.’
31. ‘I’ve got jam in my hair, do I? I’ve got to say, I do kind of wish you’d told me this before I went to the supermarket.’
32. ‘Tiny people, gather round. I’ve just found the toilet brush and – I can’t quite believe we have to do this, but – who knows why putting this in daddy’s tshirt drawer was unhygienic? To say the very least?’
33. ‘Thank you, middle child. I’m aware my eye is twitching. That’s how you guys make me feel today.’
34. ‘Seriously, that’s way too fast now. Errol is going to be sick. Put him back in his cage, please.’
35. ‘I’ll be there in a minute! Just checking in the mirror to see if I’ve lost a tooth.’
36. ‘No, but why would you make Coronavirus jokes on the phone to grandma? It’s not funny. No, it’s not. Okay, that one kind of is funny. But seriously, stop testing this stuff out on grandma.’
37. ‘Has anyone seen the baby? And where is the toilet brush, again?’
38. ‘Mmmm. That’s fantastic that so-and-so’s mum is altogether a better human being than me, but sadly for you this is where you live. What? No, I’m not deleting her number from my phone..’
39. ‘But is that really a good idea, though? Because we literally just washed all daddy’s tshirts, didn’t we?’
40. ‘Yes, thank you for pointing out that I have toast in my hair, too. Actually I was saving it for later. Now, back to Page 11. Eyes on the words, ideally. Don’t mind me; I’m just having a little snack.’
41. “How? How is your father still in the toilet? Who spends 25 minutes on the loo?’
42. ‘Come on now, you lot. It’s getting late and none of you are wrapped up properly. You look cold.’
43. ‘Hi, mum! Sorry about earlier.. You know what middle child is like. I sometimes wonder whether he might be a sociopa-AARRGH-th! Flipping hell! Don’t just drop it on my toe like that!’
44. ‘Sorry mum. How is the quarantine going? Oh, fine, fine. You know, we are pretty settled with the home schooling at least, so things are fairly – NOO! Sorry darling, but that looks extremely dangerous!’
45. ‘Bath time! Please don’t make me say it again! You’ve been in the garden for over an hour now. Daughter, you seriously look cold. Let’s aim to get dressed tomorrow, shall we?’
46. ‘Right, I’m going to count to 5 and then I’m calling that remote overseas boarding school to see if they still have spaces. Fuck home school.’
47. ‘Oh, hello darling. Did you have a nice poo? You’ve missed quite a lot. No, I don’t know where your children are. Follow the Jumanji noises.’
48. ‘Hold up! When did we last even eat toast and jam? Was it really Sunday?’
49. ‘Put. Errol. Back. Now.’
50. ‘Does anyone know how many apples Luke has at this point? Do we care? Okay fine, you can watch TV.’
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I feel the ‘you’re cold how about getting dressed’ and husband long in the toilet thing so hard – Littlefae seems to think we are in the middle of a heatwave some days!!!
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Lol mine too!
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